.+.Da inSiDe StOry Of Da fRaGiLe GuRl.+.

just a jerk.

2011-02-09T20:06:00.001+08:00

today marked the day...

the very first time i was hit in the face by a guy.

he hit me.

fcuk these so called friends!

2010-10-11T12:46:00.003+08:00

my beloved papa left us.

and when im at my weakest....
those so called close friends... were never really there.

yes, i may have alot of friends.
but so what?

i envy how my brother's buddy would never fail to come
or at least drop by at the wake, every night.
a buddy like him, one would be enough.

but as for me...?
i dont even have.

i wont take 'working' as a good reason.
how long u work a day? 20 hours?
my brother's buddy has got his own work to do too.
but its about time management and the true heart to come or not.

especially to those friends
whom i know i would be there for them if it was the other way round,
and now i realised, i was just too stupid to think that way.
coz they never think like how i think for them.
they dont make friends with their true hearts.
i always make friends with my true heart yet THIS is how they treat me.
my heart died.
seriously, it just died.
no one feels how i feel now.
it's even worse than breaking up in a relationship.

and its not only just 'they not being there for me'.
what's worse?
there were people telling me..
"rain, u ok? im comin down tomoro night. i'll be there when u need me."
and all these bullshit.
in the end? i fking waited and expected.
they never came.
NO SHOW. NO NEWS. just like that.
can u imagine?!
there are heartless people like them who even have the heart to PLAY ME OUT at my dad's funeral wake when im at the weakest part of my life??!!!
我真的看透了。。
i wont rely on any FRIENDS anymore.
stop acting like you care... with just WORDS.

i rather be by myself now.
all by myself.
remove me from your list.
i dont exist anymore.
im no longer the same old bubbly girl u once knew.

God took him away...

2010-10-05T13:14:00.000+08:00

God saw him getting tired
And a cure was not to be,
So He put His arms around him
And whispered “Come with Me.”
With tearful eyes we watched him suffer..
And saw him fade away.
Although we loved him dearly,
We could not make him stay.
A golden heart stopped beating,
Laying loving hands at rest.

I hope Papa is in a better place.

enough of playing with my heart? no?

2010-07-24T17:46:00.002+08:00

is he of 2 personalities?

he can change into another person within a day.

or was he drunk?

he never meant his words.

i fking hate my life right now.

especially having to face him and then put on fake masks.
i seriously never like doing this.
i rather having friends all around, no specific person i should put on an ACT.
he chose to leave me all alone now.
lies about healing me.
lies about realising he was wrong.
lies about he realising i should never be treated that way.
and then? what's next?
is he THERE to change my life back to the normal me?
is he there to help me overcome my sufferings?
even if we're not meant to be,
is he RESPONSIBLE ENOUGH to be there to hold me up til i get over him?

NO.
he hurt me, played with my feelings, cheated on me,
and just, dumped me aside.
like how irresponsible parents throw their child away and act like they dont know them and dont care about how his/her life is.

yea. that's how SELFISH he is.
that's how IRRESPONSIBLE he is.
just look at what he's doing right now.
this part of him will NEVER change.
he NEVER treated me truly with his heart.
it's all just WORDS.
and actions are done OPPOSITE.

yea liked i said, i'm born to be played around.
im born to be cheated and used.
u left me, and THEN when u're lonely, u called me and apologized.
saying how u wanted to be by my side and make me happy again.
I THOUGHT U REALLY MEANT IT.
I THOUGHT FOR ONCE U WILL TRY TO HOLD ME UP.
and i thought within this period with u by my side,
i might be able stand up on my own and getting over all this pain.
but i was wrong AGAIN.
you just DUMP ME ASIDE AGAIN.
now u have your friends, u dont need ME anymore.
and every word u said were taken back.
your friends HATE me.
your FRIENDS told u to IGNORE ME.
and GIVE UP ON ME.
and u do as they say like a dog.
and acted like NOTHING HAS HAPPENED.
thanks for USING ME.
and PLAYING WITH ME this much.

u NEVER have a heart.
u ARE inhuman.
becoz if u aren't, u'll really FEEL me.
and wont do ANYMORE SHIT TO ME.
but u were never enough.
u wanted to play more.
acting liked u care.
acting liked u realised u were so wrong.
acting liked u will change for good.
acting liked u will be there to heal my pain.
and when i start to talk to you again,
u DUMP ME ASIDE AGAIN.
seriously, u are the FIRST guy in this universe, that would hurt a girl THIS much.
and what's worse, u NEVER turn back.
u have NO RESPONSIBILITY.

hope u're better off without me.

it's so easy to love you. yet it's so hard to try not to love you.

2010-07-21T18:01:00.002+08:00

u walked out on someone great.
someone who could've made u feel blissful for the rest of your life.
the true love that many guys would reach for.
the kinda love for u that will never change for someone else.

u walked out on her.

so many times i've loved you, more than myself.
it's time to take that love and put it on the shelf.

hurt me more. that's what your best in doing.

2010-07-18T20:25:00.003+08:00

thanks for always treating me like shit.
not to even say about cherishing me and feeling guilty for hurting me.
u NEVER felt bad.
coz u NEVER treat me better.

i dont exist in your life anyway.
u ONLY care about YOURSELF.

yea and now your the one deleting OUR photos. well done.
i can obviously see what u're trying to do.
getting rid everything about ME and US.
and there'll be a chance for YOU and HER.

go ahead.
why JUST delete our photos in your profile pic album?
might as well delete ALL OUR PHOTOS.
and GO BACK to her.
that's what U WANTED. u said it yourself before.
i dont wanna be stupid anymore.
being by your side trying to make u happy everyday,
stupidly hoping there'll be a chance for us.
but now u're proven where i really stand.
im just.... NOTHING.
after hurting me and pissing me off, u can still DO MORE SHIT and delete OUR photos.
u want my forgiveness? by doing MORE SHIT TO HURT ME?
seriously, u're just a jerk.
PURPOSELY TRYING EVERY WAY to hurt me, and nothing more.

I HAD ENOUGH.
if u dont love me,
if u dont wanna treat me better being an ex-boyfriend who've let down your ex-gf,
just go away.
i DONT NEED you to hurt me.
after EVERYTHING i've fking done for you.
all u EVER DO is to hurt me, hurt me, HURT ME.
go ahead. delete ALL our photos.
what for putting up our so-called lovey dovey album but set it private from public?
just delete everything about us.
and might as well delete ME.
from your fb and real life.

go BACK to "WHERE YOU BELONG". that's what they say.

take it as i never exist anymore.

*disheartened*

the days without you is just so difficult.

2010-07-02T08:42:00.005+08:00

you're really hurting me alot. alot...

how i wished, the time would stop at those moments when we were still together, laughing and having fun out of every little thing everyday...

but that was not what u wanted.

everyday, i woke up....
everytime, when im awake.....
and i bet even every night in my dreams.....
knowing in my heart that u're no longer mine to hold....
knowing that im no longer the one u miss and worry.....
knowing that whatever im doing now is all just one sided....
it's really killing me inside out.

my heart never ache like this before.

even though u said u still love me,
even though u said u'll still be by my side,
even though u said i can look up to you about anything, anytime...
but why do i not feel that...?
all i feel is,
u dont miss me, coz u no longer look up to me that much.
and that im the one wanting to stick to u even if u dont want me anymore. =(

it really hurts.
this this THIS much.

i wished i can rewind time and pause at our happiest moments.

im just hoping for that very day when u would love me all over again.
please show it and prove it to me, and make me feel it, when the time comes.
please make it as.... asap.
the day when u'll come back
and hug me tight,
hold my hand,
and never let go...
ever again.

i wished im not me.

2010-06-28T18:33:00.003+08:00

after everything....
everything......
happiness....
fight....
tears...
and most of all, our laughters...

after i've been so serious and commited this much....
every effort i've put in...
just to make him happy...
just wanting to be the girl he wanted...
just wanting to be the best girlfriend...

and this.
is all.
i get.

im really tired.
trying to do my best in relationship.
but im never treated what i deserve.

i guess i should just turn everything around...
and be someone i never thought i would be...
since being myself, still couldn't occupy his whole heart.
everything i did couldn't touch his heart and
make him realised how much i love him.

im really tired.
please take all these away.
i wanna be somebody else.

never let me go again....

2010-06-08T10:29:00.002+08:00

i really really wished we could start all over....
and that u would commit more...
treat me better better....
dote on me more....
cherish me...
& love me more.....

i dont see any picture of us being apart.
all im seeing is you & me, being happy together.
work. being tired.
yet still being loving towards each other.
if u love me, never let me go, no matter what.
thats all i asked for.

*hugs* sobx.

i had never ever, in my life, being treated and fooled, this way.

2010-05-29T03:08:00.003+08:00

now im suffering from this pain.
the kinda pain.....
when u've been planning this big surprise for the one you love...
even if it costs quite alot....
putting in all these effort....
JUST wanting to surprise him and see him happy...
and when that very day is just ONE day away.....

he tore me apart.
betrayed me.
saying about how bad i've been.
and never a good thing about me.
i just found out that....
he's actually been planning to leave me.
he's just waiting for the right time.
he's just waiting for the opportunity when i would fight with him again and he'll use that as a bridge to accomplish his plan.

the plan.... of leaving me.

can u understand and FEEL my pain right now?
when all i had in mind these days
were doing things for him just to make him happy.
but all he had in mind was..... how to leave me.

i thought he was so true when he said.....
"he WONT EVER LEAVE ME AGAIN. that would be the LAST TIME.
he will NEVER EVER want to leave me again."
and i always believed his words naively like a little girl
who would forget how he've always hurt me and start all over again, anew.
but once again, i was fooled again.

on the outside, u acted like u're bringing me to heaven.
but on the inside, u just wanted to tear me apart. again n again.

thanks, for betraying me.
thanks, for fooling me once again.
thanks, for never being true to what u always say.

all u need.... is just a companion. just a girlfriend.
not ME.
im never the one u loved.
becoz if i am, u wont ever treat me this way.

i bet u're glad now.
u've proved, u would never fail to break me apart.
yea, u're the man. u won this game.
i was just being a noob or free frag all this while.

u let me go. u never love me. u never cherish me. im moving on.

2010-02-12T23:16:00.004+08:00

i really have to move on.
i wont allow you to play with my emotions and feelings anymore.
everything u said...
never came true.

im disheartened.

i love you. please love me =(

2010-01-21T20:25:00.002+08:00

baby.
i dont want u to ever leave me.
or do things u shouldn't to hurt me please.
i love you.
im just hoping to mend torn parts between us.
and be the most loving and sweetest couple ever.
i've been searching for that.
and i want it to be with YOU.

2010-01-11T09:25:00.002+08:00

after everything that i had done
trying to mend this relationship and everything i did badly,
he's been building a wall between us.
what hurts me more is that he is not making up for anything.
he dont even know what to.

i have been doing my part,
trying to be the girlfriend who would always do sweet things for him.
i've always wanted to be the sweetest girlfriend one could have.
but after all these that i had done......
i never knew,
it was all too late.
there has been a wall between us.

i feel like im a fool. im so stupid. so naive.
i've been thinking that we can be the sweetest couple everyone envies.
i thought everything i did would make him feel like i'm the best girlfriend.
and i thought he would really cherish me for that and treat me the best.
but i was wrong.
for him, he built a wall between us instead.
i never knew there has been such a big block between our bonds.
we wont ever be as close anymore.
we wont ever be as loving as i dreamed for anymore.
i was just too naive to begin with.

i sort of knew this from the start.
since the time when he changed so much and no longer do things for me.
since the time he wouldnt do things for me as much anymore.
he dont make me feel loved anymore.
he dont make me feel important anymore.
and that i dont even worth anything for him to do for me.
i told him his feelings seems to be fading. he changed.
but he denied. and said it's still there.
oh really? still there? behind a wall?

i get it now.
we've been drifting apart in his eyes.
i've done everything i could to try to make him happy.
and this is what i get in return.

thanks for destroying my heart and dreams.

i dont know what to do anymore.

u wanna marry a girl whom u put a wall to?
u wanna give up everything and fly here
for the girl whom u have a block in between?
i dont wanna be so naive anymore that u would do everything for me and give up everything for me when it's all not true at all and u had already built a mean cruel wall to block me away.
u shattered my dreams.

painkillers stop pain, doesn't it?

2009-12-25T03:11:00.002+08:00

he broke my heart and tore me apart.
i can't believe he could EVER treat me that way.
and make me feel im nothing at all to him.
he just wont ever do what he should to make me feel better.
he prove im never important. im not special. im nothing.
and he could choose not to do that something else and rather lose me.

i overdosed myself last night.
hoping the many painkillers would stop my heartache.
the pain in my heart...
which he wont ever get rid of.
i will rely on painkillers,
to 'heal' it by numbing the pain.

dont ever let me go....

2009-12-22T00:57:00.001+08:00

baby i love you. =(

please dont ever let me go.
u promised u wont ever, even if i try to leave.
i dont want you to let me go.
i really love you.

im sorry for how i am.
i'm never the best girlfriend.
i'm never perfect.

please revive back this love.
like how i'm trying too.

i love you. =(

what should i do now.

2009-12-18T23:54:00.004+08:00

i think. i should face the fact, that he's gone.
the guy i fell so much in love with, doesnt exist anymore.

perhaps it's time we should just be..... like now.
silence....
=(

he had indeed totally changed.
he's never gonna be the guy i fell in love with anymore.
altho he promised he WILL be the "old him" again.
nothing happened. nothing's happening.
and i believe nothing's gonna happen.

the only way for us to work out is....
for me to accept, the guy whom is no longer the guy who USED TO do every single thing to make me feel sooo loved and wanted and needed and afraid to lose. and would even say every little thing he could & would to make me feel all better and really TRY to calm me down NON-STOP and TRY to stop me from crying so much. now he dont even say anything when he hears me cry. now he DONT EVEN KNOW what he SHOULD say when im mad.
the dream guy, i THOUGHT, i finally found,
was all, just a dream that never last.

i cant be with him.
yes. i WANT to be with him.
i DREAMT to be with him.
but i just cant.
i should cure myself.
to accept him for how he is not my dream guy now.
i know, that in love,
someone would love and be with that someone eventho he/she is not perfect.
but this is totally different.
it was everything HE DID that made me fell for him and made me thought that i finally found what i've been searching for. and then? he stopped doin all those stuffs that had won my heart. it was all faded. and worsen. and is now SOMEONE ELSE, a TOTALLY diferent person whom no longer do those stuffs that would make me feel AS LOVED liked how he DID.

he just left me again.
ignoring my calls.
he let go.
i think i should let him go too.

im not sure if he'll come back.
but im sure, he'll never ever be the HIM i once loved so much.
i dont know, if i can accept him for how he is totally an unexpected guy whom i never thought he'll ever be, which is hurting me alot.
i dont know, if til one day, we'll ever work out and fall in love like how we did all over again.
i dont know, if one day,when i found myself, and learnt to accept him, will he be gone?

i dont know...
im broken. =''(

dont ever regret this decision u made...

2009-11-24T08:48:00.005+08:00

i thought you ever promised me that u will never choose to leave me
no matter how i ask you to leave,
no matter how i would hurt you,
no matter how u think i will leave you one day,
you will swallow your pride to be with me,
even if it hurts yourself,
because u wont ever let me go.

but, i couldnt believe, u just did, once again.
twice in a day.
u rather choose to leave me.
than trying to please me and ask me to stop what im doing to hurt you.
i didnt wanna stop because u said it in a way as if u did nothing wrong to hurt me so badly at all and that im the one at fault etc.
but still, u chose to leave me.
u never call.
u changed.
i even said, after 30minutes, no call, u will lose me.
and u chose to lose me instead of calling and fix it.

dont tell me shit like I CHOSE THIS.
when the fact is YOU CAUSED SHIT AND MADE ME INTO THIS STATE.
u proved to me i was nothing to you, even losing to just a game.
then why should i ever do ANYTHING FOR YOU
like rejecting people, deleting random guys, and closing my heart for you?
why should i do those? when u already proved TWICE i was nothing at all.
u should be the one begging for my forgiveness and beg me to stop doing what im doing to hurt you and tell me u will prove it to me and it's not not worthy at all.
did you? NO.
u acted and said things as if what u did to me were NOTHING MUCH.
and what im doing is FKING WRONG.
when in fact i did NOTHING WRONG because u ALREADY LOST ME.

after shattering my heart so badly and proved i was just nothing to you.
u still did this to me. instead of making up for any single bit.
u never realised how cruel and mean u were treating me.
hurting me again AND again AND again.

u left me.
u gave up on me.
when u promised me a lifetime u wouldnt.

its ok.
its ok.
altho im typing this in tears. (my tears means nothing to you anymore tho)
altho everyday i wake up to start a new day,
the fact that u chose to leave me and give up on me,
is hurting every inch of me and my heart.
i dont know why this hurts more than my ex running away with another girl.
why.... ='(

but i believe i can handle my state and get over the pain.
since u had already totally changed into a different person.
last time no matter what u will call everytime i asked you to.
without letting me wait at all.
last time u wont ever choose to give up on me no matter what choice it is.
now u have been being undecisive.
u didnt call.
meaning u chose the other choice, of leaving me.
your comment on my previous post,
were all just plain words & empty promises u cant prove either.
i hope...
one day i will wake up not crying and go to sleep not crying anymore.

please promise me that u wont regret this decision u made
and you will live on and move on with your life without me
and u will get over me one day
and perhaps something else in life will make you happier.
(which i realised it's no longer me anymore).

and if u can promise me this,
it will make this break up more worthwhile.
tho its hurting me alot.
that i could cry in the train.
i could cry during bowling.
i could just cry whenever i think about how u broke my heart.
again and again.
yesterday.

all the best to you.
and your family.
=''''(

U BROKE ALL THOSE PROMISES u made. U CHANGED. u have NO REASONS at all to say the way i behave n treat you and thats why u TREAT ME BACK THIS WAY.

2009-11-19T09:24:00.004+08:00

im so hurt.
indeed u totally changed.

what's about the promise u made in the beginning that NO MATTER how MAD OR CRAZY i am and reacted or hurt you or scold you or yell at you, u'll still talk to me calmly and nicely. u wont ever talk to me like this.

u broke that.
and said, I ARGUED.
I WAS THE ONE WHO FIGHT.
I WAS THE ONE WHO DOESNT COMPROMISE etc etc.

if u promised me NO MATTER HOW THE FK I AM, u wont ever treat me this way, u shouldnt even BRING THIS UP AND DARE TO SAY THESE.

YOU ARE WRONG. to say these.
because u promised.
EVEN IF I DONT TRUST YOU, EVEN IF I ARGUE, EVEN IF I COULDNT CALM DOWN, EVEN IF IM SO MAD AND AGITATED, u'll be the one TO CALM ME DOWN and take in everything.

u never do this, anymore.

u said SHIT about how i am.
how SHITTY i am. (when u said u wont mind & u'll take them all, u ARE NOT SUPPOSED to say them out like how u did LIKE THIS).
u even couldnt CALM ME DOWN instead.
u FOUGHT BACK.
u WENT AGAINST me.
and said that I WAS THE ONE. ITS ME.
I FIGHT I ASSUMED I LIED I DONT LISTEN I DONT TRUST blah blah.
you are AT FAULT, to say these shit.
when u promised, NO MATTER how i am, u'll handle me. u'll calm me down. u'll NEVER treat me and talk to me LIKE HOW U ARE NOW.

this promise is just BULLSHIT.
NO MATTER how i am? no its not.
thanks for lying. that u can and will handle me and HELP me and never go against me and will ALWAYS give in to me and NEVER do or say anything to hurt me.

u made ME & everything else WORSE. u didnt even HELP at all.
u MIND about HOW I AM. how MAD i'll be over YOUR SHIT. how i SAY THINGS TO HURT YOU. u said even if i hurt you, u wont hurt me back. u'll STILL TALK BACK NICELY.
and u'll be so afraid to lose me and everything.
u never want me to be MAD at you.
u would apologise so quickly and try to calm me down and SOLVE things.
now u dont.
u DO & SAY THINGS to hurt me.
u EVEN SAID SHIT ABOUT ME.

u have NO REASONS to say why u flipped out and TREATED ME LIKE AN ENEMY. u have no reasons at all. u CANT EVEN SAY I WAS THE ONE TREATING YOU LIKE ENEMY. so what if i treat you like that? u promised u wont TREAT ME BACK THOSE SHITTY WAYS. NO MATTER HOW I AM.
yea. "NO MATTER WHAT". for these 3 words, u are at WRONG, to say SHIT ABOUT ME, that I WAS THE ONE, I FIGHT, I DONT TRUST, and all those shit. instead of trying to HANDLE ME and TRY TO CALM ME DOWN AND SOLVE EVERYTHING like how u use to do.

all were just an act.
all of that were history.
u're a different person now.
who broke the LIFETIME promise of how u'll treat me within just 2 months.

its all gone.
u never talk to me THAT WAY anymore.
u even SAID SHIT ABOUT HOW I AM. when u shouldnt, at all.
(not because u cannot say shit about me, but because of WHAT U PROMISED).
that promise only lasted for a month or so.

u broke it.
u changed.
i think i should move on.
i'll never wanna spend my life with someone like you
who cant HANDLE me like how u use to and promised.
who will SAY SHIT ABOUT HOW I AM despite what u promised "NO MATTER WHAT" and HOW i am, u wont ever treat me like how i treat you. treating me like an enemy, when u were the ONE WHO RUINED MY LIFE.

i rather marry a man who will really NEVER EVER talk to me like the way u do NOW.
wont ever fight or argue back AGAINST me.
who wont PURPOSELY DO SHIT to hurt me KNOWING i'll be hurt.
who will DO EVERYTHING i say to satisfy me and make me feel better.
who will REALLY PAMPER AND DOTE ON me. (u dont anymore, dont tell me u still do. the way u talk to me like this now? its not even doting on me anymore.)
who will LOVE ME SO MUCH that he'll NEVER raise his voice.
who will never TALK BACK the way u do now.
who wont EVER talk to me like im just some nonsense sHit who wants to fight.
who wont even THINK I ALWAYS WANT TO FIGHT, instead of feeling for how i feel and KNOW why i say everything i said, because i was just sharing my feelings. and take in EVERYTHING I SAID instead of talking BACK to me and AGAINST me.
(unlike you who think negatively about me that i was the one who wanna fight).

u thinking i want to fight means u dont feel for me, u dont believe and listen my feelings im trying to share and LET YOU KNOW. to you, pouring out my pain is FIGHTING to you.

i hate how u always say IM THE ONE who fight.
IM THE ONE WHO LIED.
IM THE ONE.
IM THE ONE.

i dont need these shit from you anymore.
and i still hate how u ALWAYS NEVER FAIL TO SAY im a LIAR and that I LIED or MY LIES. when u even PROMISED u wont ever say those words again. (u forgot all your promises, even THIS).
just because TO YOU, u dont feel this way, TO ME i fking feel this way, its ASSUMING? its LYING?
if u're good enough u'll JUST listen to what i say about HOW I FEEL N HOW U MAKE ME FEEL, and TRY NOT TO MAKE ME FEEL THAT WAY INSTEAD BY CHANGING THE WAY U DO SHIT, instead of replying back "ITS NOT", "STOP LYING", "U ASSUMED", and all these shit.
these shows that u care about my feelings?
these shows that u care to change into what i wanted?
u care to be everything i wanted?
NOT AT ALL.

being with you only makes me the worst girlfriend on earth.
being with you only makes me into someone i hate.
being with you only makes me into a fking liar everyday.

i was wrong and so stupid to have believed your promises.
u wont this. u wont that. u wont this n that.
still? u broke your promises and did ALL THOSE SHIT u promised me a LIFETIME u wont.
thanks for making me feel like a fool to have believed you wont ever treat me these way. u wont ever talk to me like this. and u wont ever say shit about ME like this.

u r the one to make me feel stupid. really stupid.
now i finally see how u broke all those promises, and become a man who will treat me so badly which u promised u wont ever do so.
lies. see how u r now?
U BROKE ALL THOSE PROMISES.
U LIED THAT U WILL NOT EVER EVER EVER TREAT ME THIS WAY.

whatever.
u're now a man who will only hurt me more n more.
who wont ever be like how u were, the one i fell for in the first place.
u're totally DIFFERENT from the one i fell for. and those lifetime promises i thought its true and for that i fell for you.
but now i realised, i actually fell for someone imaginary who doesnt exist, at all.

u dont remember anymore...? ='(

2009-11-16T23:47:00.004+08:00

baby still no longer do those sweet sweet things to make me feel the happiness of being loved and our love being showed to the world. =(

i guess its meaningless for him to do it ONLY when i say it and point all those little things and TELL HIM those sweet things to make me happy.

i will only be happy if he could do them all, even all those LITTLE sweet things he ONCE did for me, all by himself without me saying anything. and would often see DIFFERENT sweet things about me being shown to the world.

what's the use of telling him to do this and that, and when he do it, it's just like, it's me doing it for myself. it's from ME. not him. not that he INITIATED and wanted to do them by HIMSELF WILLINGLY.

recently he said he would do everything he used to do.
but i dont see anything much.
THOSE things that i was referring to, nothing happened. ='(

so many little SWEET things. he only did, just ONCE. =(

i thought he was the man who would give me the feeling of happiness and love that i always wanted that i never really had; always wanting to show me off to the whole world and show that he's proud to love me and have me, EVERYWHERE. =(

it once happened.
no.
not anymore.

='(

do i have to just move on and accept the fact that that's just the way he is and that those little sweet things he once did for me which made me thought he was the guy who could fill up my hole of 'that feeling', was just those moments of courtship to win my heart, and now that he have me... that's it?

='(

i doubt he even remember what those little sweet things he once did for me.
i doubt he even know those little sweet things meant SO MUCH to me. ='(
i doubt he knows that those little things he displayed everywhere would simply make me feel secure, loved, and wanted. ='(

='(

oh. tears.. ='(

he's changing too.

2009-10-31T19:29:00.003+08:00

those ways he used to treat me to make me feel so loved & wanted...
he no longer does them anymore.
it's all changing.
it's all fading.

he no longer leave me nice & sweet offline messages.
he would stop calling me back even i hang up on him.

i thought i found the one.
i thought i found the one to make me feel so needed, wanted, loved, & worried for.
who will keep calling n calling n never wanna let me go being mad at him.
that was history.
it once happened.
i loved that feeling.
but it's all gone.
it's all changing.
it's all fading.
just like any other guys would.

it's so true, that the courtship is always the sweetest.
as time passes, it all changes and fades.

and im feeling worse. and worse.
more piss and more piss.
having to be mad at him for days.
and he no longer care to solve it as soon as possible anymore.
he dont know how to handle me.
what to say to make me feel better.
what to do to make me feel better.
all he would do now is stop calling me back and let me be mad at him for so long.
i dont feel good.
i hate this feeling.

im not sure how long can i hold on to this.
im sad.
im disappointed.
i miss being happy.
=(
=(
='(

i hate this feeling, inside...

im nothing now.

2009-10-06T16:11:00.001+08:00

i didn't expect that he could bear to just simply delete me off.
like how he would easily delete other girls too.

i'm just like them now. ain't i.

from my heart baby...

2009-09-12T00:39:00.003+08:00

i dont know why i always got so worked up
when we fight after he's been calling me all day.
i felt that he's not giving me the freedom to accompany the people i was with.
yet on the other hand,
i'd know that he actually spent money on calling me so much
despite how costly it is, and said that because im worth it. =(
i guess no one else would even care to spend that on me.

today is the 1st time, he dont really call me.
or i should say he didnt call, i guess he's being afraid i will flip out again.
but then, being like this, i realised, it actually made me miss him more.
and now im back home, he's not online, i feel sad.

i dont know why i'm like that.
the more he stick to me, the more i wanna feel freed and flip out easily.
the more he went silence away from me, the more i miss him and feel so bad.
what's wrong......? =(
maybe it's not the right time for me to be in love? =(
its more like, i've met the right guy at the wrong time.

im sorry.
i havent been a good girlfriend.
i havent been there for you when u needed me.
i neglected u for my own life.

now im feeling afraid to lose u baby.
i dont say it. but im feeling it now. =(

although im always the one getting so agitated n flipped out and went so crazy as if im goin outta my mind, and trying to end it all n wanna run away from all this hurt n fights i dislike.

but baby...
sometimes when i got so pissed off, i feel that without u i feel happier because i just wanted to feel carefree at that moment.
but when i'm calm and not hearing from u and missing u baby,
i realised something..........
if im really gonna lose u,
if i had really left u,
i know...... i will regret someday for some reasons. =(

you're being too good to me baby....

2009-09-08T15:35:00.004+08:00

everytime we fight....
im always the one trying to leave.
he's always the one holding me back. despite getting hurt.

everytime we fight.....
i would always wanna leave and try to ignore him and go to sleep.
he's always the one trying to settle it without ignoring
and never wanted me to go to sleep being mad at him.

everytime we fight.....
i would get so angry and agitated and go crazy. always hanging up on him.
despite treating him like that, he never fail to keep calling back.

he could just keep calling for an hour. hoping that just for once i'll answer.
he could call and call, giving me more than 30 missed calls.
if i switch off my hp, he could keep calling and hoping i would switch on soon.
he never give up on me.

he's always giving in.
he's always trying to be calm despite me yelling.
and no matter how bad my words always hurt him,
he never fail to always say he loves me.

=(
i frown. not because im sad.
but how good and patient he treats me.

i told him i hate him when i get so mad and agitated and hurt him so badly.
but after i calmed down, he's still there, & that's what makes me love him more.

im sorry.
and.
i love you baby.

my Mr Right.

2009-08-13T16:39:00.002+08:00

no one has ever been so patient with me.
no one could tolerate my agitation.
no one has been so worried about me.
no one has been so afraid to lose me.

but now, it's no longer "no one".

i guess, i FOUND HiM.

is that true love?

2009-08-07T23:59:00.001+08:00

i think it's time to move on...
and open my heart again...

but...

im afraid.

just tell me, when u need me.

2009-07-30T02:51:00.002+08:00

i guess.... your feeling is fading.
but, it's okay.

whenever u turn back,
whenever u need me,
i will be there......

u're really hurting me. but u dont feel me. u're thinking 'bout urself.

2009-07-15T01:26:00.004+08:00

i tried to hold on to this love, hoping it'd be better...
but, i wasnt good enough.
it's slipping away...

i thot u were really serious about us. but i guess...
it was not what i thought u meant and wanted.
i can never be part of your life.
yes, it'd be really great if u can spend ur time with me. i'd love it.
but, having the feel to hide out from the world, i dont feel good at all.
it's like, i can only be kept in your darkness. and that's all i'll ever be.
maybe all along, im just another girl out there.
yet, im just too naive.

but i will... continue being naive.
coz i had fell too deep. i couldnt stand up on my own.
unless u tell me to get outta ur life.
u dont need my presence anymore.
and u dont give a damn about me anymore.
if u really want me to leave, please, break my heart, really hard.

if not, whenever u turn back...
whenever u need me again...
i'll still be here... right here.

B... did you really ever love me at all?

2009-07-04T02:52:00.002+08:00

loving someone whom i know that we can never be.
that's how painful it seems.
everynight before i go to sleep.
i have visions of u and me.
and we are in love and happy.
why do things like this always happen to me.
im smiling one minute and then crying the next.
how did i let myself fall,
into a mechanical world of good morning and good night.
and now i'm asking..........

did you really ever love me at all?

please. be good. be safe.

2009-06-23T15:19:00.001+08:00

it hurts... to see u this way.
please... take care of yourself...

i hate goodbyes. T_T

2009-06-22T02:23:00.000+08:00

please. dont say goodbye....

happiest turned saddest.

2009-06-19T03:21:00.000+08:00

i never thought..................

why they come and go.

2009-06-16T03:17:00.001+08:00

why. why. why. why.
everytime when i fall. there's someone there.

last year february & august when i fell, someone was there.
this year april when i fell, someone was there.
now when i seems to be falling yet hanging there, someone is here.
not one, but two.
perhaps, i should consider all those as my guardian angels.
seriously, it seems like they just come..... and go.

but right now, it's still kinda complicated.
i've lost my heart somewhere. still couldn't find it.
URGH~

i tried not to expect too much. because im so afraid of hurting myself again..... T_T

2009-06-08T22:45:00.002+08:00

when he said... "i dont wanna waste your time".
deep down im thinking... i should be the one saying that.
because i dont mind. at all.
i dont mind missing out all those mr. right wannabes.
i dont mind if ur heart is not totally mine.
i'll be very happy just by hearing your voice and laughter.

it just seems complicated tho.
i feel insecure. i dont know what's in your heart.
i don't know what do u really treat me as.
i dont know if im your only one.
sometimes, i wish i could read your mind.
then i wonder, if i could handle the truth if i did.
not that i dont trust u. but i just dont trust myself.
my low self esteem and confidence seem to be taking over me.

i had told myself.
even if u wont be mine,
even if we arent together,
even if u wont ever hold my hand,
my heart will still be there.

i could still miss u silently.
as i had already lost lotsa faith in love.
i dont have to look for a relationship to get into.
but my heart is still true. purely true.
i can just simply...... feel you, from afar, from within my heart.

just dont treat me coldly.... and i'll be so glad.
let's just be happy. for this moments of our lives.
who knows.... if god were to snap and take me back, at least, im happy.

stupidest guy.

2009-05-08T09:09:00.002+08:00

now i know why he doesnt dare to face me.

he'd rather volunteer to sign up for the military service.
than coming to Singapore to be with me.

he sacrifices his years into military.
just hoping that this decision will make me leave him.

he's so selfish. irresponsible. and such a pussy.

whatever. wish him GOOD luck.
all the best with his Thailand life.

i've got over him.

go away.

2009-04-27T23:13:00.003+08:00

did u hear that???????????????

.............................................................................

the sound of my heart...... shattering.

he called me.
i was happy to see his name appearing on my phone.
but the call.... left my heart broken.

he called me.... to hear my voice??
or he called me.... to make me sad, hoping i will cry.

his words...... really has got pricks.....
so many... it hurts.... so badly.....
why would he wanna call me to tell me all those dirty things.....
knowing that i would be upset over it..

i tried not to cry.
i laughed.
i teased.
yet inside me.
im shattering.

is he trying to take revenge?
but this was way too hurting....

i guess...... i've fallen for a butcher.

why do i miss him.................

2009-04-25T20:38:00.004+08:00

why is my tears falling for him.... how come..... =(

he told me i dont need that jerk anymore.....
he said i dont have to rant on my blog anymore.....
i have him to talk to.....
i have him to emo to.....

he's been making me smile.....
he's been making me laugh....
even when he went overseas....
he never fail to look for me online....
i feel cared for....

but now..... he's not calling me.
he haven't been really talking to me...
all because i told him my friend rode me home (who've had some beer)...
he was angry with me....
perhaps it's because he cares.....
but he's treating me kinda cold.....

yet yesterday when he was at work...
he sent me an email, attached with a song from him to me....
i was touched....

what should i do.....
im not supposed to miss him.
im not supposed to care.
im not supposed to live my life wishing he was there.
im not supposed to wonder what he's doing or where he's at.
But i do cause he has my heart that i never got back.

true love? it wont last.

2009-04-07T21:09:00.002+08:00

i no longer believe true love exists.
even if it does, it won't last.

i should learn to pull myself away from love.

been loving my other half wholeheartedly.
but in the end? i'm always the one getting hurt. and abandoned.

guys. will always be guys...
maybe thats the reason why many girls choose money over love.

Good news

2009-03-11T23:30:00.001+08:00

i'm Thalassaemia-free. ^-^

perhaps it's true that GOOD man has a shorter life.~

2009-02-26T16:51:00.003+08:00

god. buddha. or whoever above, watching over us.
please..... dont take away papa from me.
no no. not now.
he never had good life.
he's been working so hard for us.
all along, he is the sole breadwinner in our family.
without him, it will be a sudden loss..... of almost EVERYTHING.
and i haven't grown up. as in.... to be independent enough.
to support the family. and home.
im like a Daddy's Lil Girl....
i really cannot imagine my life without him.

he's only 56.
there's soooo many things he has yet to accomplished and fulfilled.
work, company, money, etc.
he believed that the company he set up for 15 years
wont stand tall if he's no longer around.
he most worried about the home. family. and me.

god, buddha, allah, lord, whoever from above.....
if there is really a need to bring someone back from earth....
and if u're aiming my dad now,
please take me, take me instead...... and not my dad.
without him, our lives' gonna change alot, alot.
but without me, everything still goes on.

or at least..... give him more more MORE time!
i know that witnessing my marriage is one of his biggest dream...
especially seeing me getting married to a good man,
who will love me, dote on me, & never bully me.
he would den be able to rest his heart, and not to worry about me.

please... make miracles happen....
i prayed... it's not getting worse......
i prayed... it's all not true......

please..... let him stay....... T_T

my tolerance of senseless nonsense is limited.

2009-02-23T09:21:00.002+08:00

LOL?

i was called STUBBORN
for having enough of one's unreasonable attitude.
[which not only me feels so]

well well well...........
i dun wanna be treated like a fool again.

im outta here.

这该是时候。。。

2009-02-21T09:16:00.003+08:00

我累了。。。

feel like killing myself slowly

2009-02-10T09:16:00.002+08:00

i doubled all my medications intake.
i overdosed myself last night.
don't ask me why.
im my own worst enemy.

my body lacks of iron

2009-01-13T10:03:00.004+08:00

am i really suffering from low haemoglobin levels?
and that leads to low blood pressure as well?

has it got to do with what my aunt once told me about
part of our family genes; Thalassemia?
i dont think anyone in my own family is affected.
maybe that aunt of mine is, or was.

my previous blood test results showed i've got low haemoglobin counts.
but my family doctor said itz NOTHING MUCH.

i did research and it all seems like 'linked'.
in a way like............

Anemia

a quantitative deficiency of the hemoglobin, often accompanied by a reduced number of red blood cells and causing pallor, weakness, and breathlessness.

Thalassemia

Thalassemia Minor, although not life threatening on its own, can affect quality of life due to the effects of a mild to moderate anemia. Studies have shown that Thalassemia Minor often coexists with other diseases such as asthma, and mood disorders.

Some possible causes for low blood pressure and related symptoms could be:

Low Haemoglobin levels.

In a healthy person, the haemoglobin levels in the blood are measured as grams per 100 milliliters. The normal range for a man is 13.5 to 17.5 and for a woman is 11.5 to 15.5 g/dl. A low hemoglobin level ( normally below 9 g/dl) will lead to less oxygen being sent o the brain and heart and can lead to dizziness, fainting spells, weakness and general ill health.

see what i mean? i've got.....
asthma.
low blood pressure.
low haemoglobin counts.
and my aunt had warned me about Thalassemia.

other than my blood (oxygen) problems,
i've still got a S-spine.
am i that weak? =(

hmphx. nobody's born perfect anyway.
i'd wish to go for Thalassemia blood tests.
so that i can get a clear answer. am i a minor?

.All I Want For Christmas is You.

2008-12-25T12:32:00.000+08:00

It's that time of year again,
with ornaments that glow,
while snowflakes, snowmen, and a blanket of white,
cover up the ground below.

the children smile brightly,
while dancing, skipping, snapping,
while their little hands are itching to tear
the decorated wrapping.

a line forms in front of a gold colored thrown,
while a jolly elder man sits down,
the children make wishes for cars and dolls,
while others wish for stunning gowns.

standing out on my balcony,
watching this merry sight,
a shooting star falls through the sky,
as I wish for things to be alright.

I don't need any stockings filled,
with candy in bright colors red and blue,
I don't need toys or any such things,
Because all I want for Christmas, is you.

Absense makes us miss each other more

2008-11-17T14:39:00.000+08:00

A thousand kisses will never be,
Enough to satisfy my craving heart's plea,
Tomorrow will be the day I love you more,
Than today or yesterday or ever before,
Words and phrases will never do,
What my heart feels so deeply for you,
Deeper and deeper my feelings go,
My head is spinning too and fro,
I want you here, forever and more,
For our hearts to join and together explore,
Our hearts beat and beat as one,
Feel what I'm feeling, it's only begun,
Yet, slowly my desire turns to rage,
My heart feels as though it's within a cage,
You are so close yet so far,
At times like this I wish upon a star,
I wish you were here and not over there,
Yet life is hard as well as unfair,
All I can do is wish and wait,
Until we meet again as that is our fate,
I love you more than my words can say,
And forever my love will grow each passing day,
Until the day I gently hold your face,
Kiss your lips within a candle lit place,
Hold you close and feel you near,
Kiss your cheek, whisper to your ear,
Feel your soft skin beneath my hand,
Feel your energy inside expand,
I'll wish for that moment as I always do,
And I've wished upon a star, so my wish will come true.

.Long Distance Love.

2008-11-04T23:36:00.001+08:00

Loving from a distance is never easy,
When you are living so very far apart.
But each mile that separates two people who truly care,
Is joined together with the love each feels in their heart.
*
The loneliness you feel when you are not together,
Can eat away at you deep inside.
When you miss the one who you want to share your life with,
And they are not able to be by your side.
*
Have trust in each other's feelings,
And believe that they do feel the same way as you.
When you can not be with one another,
So easy it is to doubt whether their love is really true.
*
Need to keep your faith that you have in each other,
And never let go of your trust.
Sometimes that is not so easy to do,
But for your peace of mind, it really is a must.
*
Think of one another's emotional needs,
So the other always knows that you do care.
Make the most of the time that you can have together,
And open your hearts and share.
*
Respect one another will sometimes need some space,
But it doesn't mean they don't want you around.
We all need some time on our own at times,
Never meaning we no longer need the love we have found.
*
Do not let the seeds of jealousy,
Begin growing deep inside your heart.
Because if you let this happen without good cause,
Your relationship will surely be doomed to fall apart.
*
Be honest and open with how you are feeling,
And never lead the other one on.
It is unfair to play on another person's feelings,
And then turn around one day, and be gone.
*
Never give up on your love,
And hold on to what you are feeling in your heart.
For a love that is sincere, and strong,
Will be held together, no matter how far you are apart.

.im so imperfect.

2008-10-02T23:48:00.003+08:00

why would guys be so 'ji hong'...
why would good friends compare me to other girls...
compared me, and shoved hurtful remarks in my face.
breaking my heart silently.
losing all my self-esteem.
it hurts so badly.
my own self-esteem & self confidence are already very low.
i've been trying to build up my own.
but their words were like bullets. breaking me into pieces.
why cant i be MYSELF.
why would they compare me with other girls.
yea. many girls have got sexy legs, hot body, big boobs, pretty face.
i know none of those credits to me.
but i have a crystal heart. who knows? NO ONE does.
they just judge me from the outside.
and im alwayz at the losing edge.
i'll alwayz lose. for sure.
im slowly fading.
my shadows are hiding away.
i hate the public. i feel embarrassed.
facing the public, will only demoralise myself.
i never knew i was this imperfect til this extent.
i aint angry at all.
but u just made me hate myself more...
words said cant be unsaid. broken hearts cant be unbroken.
什么是自卑。。？
我的自尊心何在。。?
just a few words could pull me down. look at how weak i am.
itz ok. i will build up myself again.

treasure me.
for who i am.
and take me as i am.

the feelings is gone

2008-08-27T06:03:00.003+08:00

he used to love me.
but i rejected him.
now he touched my heart.
but the truth of his heart,
is breaking my heart.
i pretended n put on a fake smile
while i hear something only i can hear.
the sound of my heart shattering.

It's spelled L-D-R (LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP)

2008-07-28T15:16:00.001+08:00

Have you ever been in a relationship?
the kind where you don't see each other
the kind where the two of you are separated
and distance becomes a real matter

It's a relationship that starts with a goodbye
or begins when you have parted
it's when you can't see him anymore
the person that your heart wanted

If you're in this kind of relationship
you must be tough
this is where it's all tested
especially when times get rough

Expect people to criticize your relationship
saying that it won't last
but don't get affected
they're just generalizing it with the past

There will surely be a lot of fights
don't let it get your way
the both of you must learn how to fix it
or your relationship surely won't stay

On the whole, it's about TLC
trust, love and communication
all three are essential
for your relationship's good foundation

Long Distance Love

2008-07-28T15:15:00.001+08:00

If dreams weren't dreams, and dreams come true,
I wouldn't be here I'd be with you,
distance is one thing that keeps us apart
but you will always remain in my heart

I wish that you were here or that I were there,
or that we were together anywhere!

Don't measure the distance;
measure my love.

Close together, or far apart,
u will always be here in my heart

Distance is just a test to see how far love can travel.

is this love?

2008-06-26T13:16:00.001+08:00

I sit here thinking about you
And all the things you do
I wonder do you think of me too
I wonder what you think and if you care
Yet so new don't want to rush
Do you want to go back
If you could would you
Here and now
As I stand before you
Will I push you away too
Only time can tell
Is it love or will it fail
Hold me here
Hold me close
I want to yell never let me go
I don't want to move too fast
I have been hurt before
Can you see it in my eyes
Can you tell when you touch me
Please do hurt me
Is it love or will it fail
I hope its love

.live with me in paradise.

2008-06-04T21:25:00.001+08:00

Love me as what i want you to do
kiss me and say you love me too..
care for me, the same way i do
Fill me with love, my one and only you..

sing to me the song i wanted to hear
hold me close..to you so near..
laugh with me like theres no tomorrow
take me with you, wipe away my sorrow..
lets watch the moon to tire
with me youll feel loves fire..

live with me in paradise
Coz you and i are meant to be
please realize...

Emo Girl

2008-04-24T13:58:00.000+08:00

She walks on down the street
with the moonlight at her feet
She's known as the emo girl
and she feels so incomplete

The twilight's all she knows
and the tears scar her cheek
trapped in a room of shattered dreams
she cant help but feel so weak

She knows that she doesn't belong
no matter how hard she seems to try
nobody wants to even understand her
they all just walk on by

Her life is one big reflection
of everything not meant to be
and the one thing she wants and needs
is the one thing she just cant see

love, hate, better times
hearts broken, bitter lies
wont someone stop this endless spiral
how long till she gives up and dies?

shes an emo, an outsider, she just doesn't fit in
but shes a lover, a dreamer, maybe even a friend
just stop to take one look and inside you'll find
a life full of sad memories right until the end...

too bad im really emo. but doesnt mean im immature wor. T_T

2008-03-08T03:31:00.002+08:00

haiyo. i cried again.
a fren brought up the past. sad past.
ya. beloved clan.
aniwae now me oso cheng sim le.
they wan jiu wan. dun wan jiu dun wan.
but recently pok & me gettin better.
hope it IS really getting better.
i know this fren didnt mean to insult me.
he juz want me to be strong. for my own good.
but haiz. sad la. why bring up the past when i'm oredi looking ahead...
i got over it & managed to think positive oso bcoz of his advises. =.=

this pok oso de. haiz...
somehow i really wished to turn back time.
i had chose the wrong path.
really o. if i didnt made that decision, we all wouldnt end up like this de.
but whatz done cant be undone.
i can only do my part.
they see my effort or not.
they wanna cherish me or not.
they interested to be part of my life or not.
itz all up to them le.

i just wanna do my part. do my best.
make life happier.
live the best of my life. with no regrets.

.Life's a crazy ride.

2008-02-24T16:59:00.000+08:00

Life's a crazy ride
sometimes u just gotta laugh
leave everything behind
leave everything aside

crying sometimes solves it
but laughing is the key
u just gotta live
and have fun while u can

laugh when u have a chance
apologize when u should
drink it out and party up
and whatever u do have no regrets

coz...................

life's a crazy ride
sometimes u just gotta laugh
leave everything behind
leave everything aside

No more Valentine

2008-02-14T23:58:00.000+08:00

To every girl sad and alone
On this Valentine's Day
To every girl that knows he's the reason
All her smiles have gone away.

To every girl that knows
Why this day has so much red
To every girl that realizes
It's because of all the blood she's shed.

To every girl that's slit her wrist
Because of some stupid guy
To every girl that's ever wished
That this time she would die.

To every girl that thinks
Cupid should be shot
To every girl that hates other couples
For having what she hasn't got.

To every girl that reads this
And agrees with every line
To every girl that's sad and depressed
Because she doesn't have a valentine.

To every girl that thought of someone
While reading my words, so true
Trust me girl, we've all been there
And I feel the same as you.

da last episode of our short love story.

2008-02-08T03:16:00.000+08:00

i expected this love. would last. long enuff. but.
never did i thought. that it only last for a week.
juz one week.
and i felt that one week.....
was like........ ONE DAY to me.
so short. so short.
it was not enough. i thought we'd had it all.
itz the most surprising, and saddest CNY gift i ever received.

the most PAINFUL thing is that......
before the bomb exploded.
we were so sweet. and so loving all along.
all happened too sudden.
all ended too soon.
too soon. for me to accept.

i cried out my heart. for hours.
my eyes ached from crying.
my head ached from all these.
i called up pok. poured my heart out.
i didnt know wat to do.
during that painful moment, HE wasnt there for me.
but at least. he did called. tho he sounded so so fierce.
i know. he was vexed.
but. wat 'bout me? i was so innocent. i was the victim.
he didnt even console me.
i heard my heart shattered.

i stayed up til 7am.
somehow managed to sleep without crying.
but woke up 4 hours later. with tears.
i couldnt help myself.
whenever i read those smses from him. tears rolled down.
whenever i look at our one & only first couple-ly photo taken, i cry.
that photo itself. brings back lotza lovely memories.
and in that photo itself, i see myself with a smile filled with contentness.
but those will only be in our past,
for now. i couldnt hold him no more. T_T

i know. if it wasnt me but some other girl, she would definitely hate him.
but i will forgive him.
coz he made me feel loved. during that week.
and he did played his part as my boyfriend too.
eventho he hurts me deeply. for our ending.
but. i will forgive him.
for those sweet memories he gave me.

now all im wishing for, is me & him. can be back to how we used to be.
goodie frens. close frens. or whatever he would call it.
since being goodie frens is the best choise for us.
i do not wanna lose a fren like him in my life.
and i just hope, he would treat me the same as before.
rather den leaving me behind in pain, avoid, hide, or run away from me.
thatz all im asking for.....

i still love him. but.
i will be STRONG.
sooner or later.
i will get over this.

*thankx. for those. who were there for me. listening. hearing me out. advising. consoling. everything. much much appreciated

.being loved by da same one you love. is EVERYTHING.

2008-02-03T04:44:00.000+08:00

after all these times.
being single. and having the fear of entering relationship.
due to the hurt, pain & lies she went through.

she is finally attached. once again.
she hasnt felt like this. for quite sometime.
now. this feeling. is all so NEW.

she really want this relationship. to really last.
a serious & true relationship. is all she wants.
she's really sicked & tired.
going thru short term ones. and finding new ones.

she is now so glad. sharing her life with this new guy.
and she. is now. so in love.
she would just pray. that this guy. will really turn out to be her dream guy.
alwaez being there for her.
and be the ONE guy. to prove to her.
that not all guys are the same.

1 February 2008. a happily happy day.
once they have their very 1st couple picture taken.
she is ready. to let the world knows. ^-^

A Real Friend in one's life....

2007-12-12T14:52:00.001+08:00

A friend is a tissue when you can't stop crying,
A friend is a shoulder when you feel like dying,
A friend is always there to listen when you have something to say,
A friend is weak when you just need a day,
A friend is a crutch when you have a broken heart,
A friend is a glue when some thing falls a part,
A friend is a phone call when you can't leave your home,
A friend is a when you feel all alone,
A friend is a wing if you want to fly,
A friend is one who understands without knowing why,
A friend is an ear for a secret to tell,
And at last.......
A friend is a love, happiness, care and joy that can never let go in one's life.........

angels come my way

2007-11-11T03:20:00.000+08:00

I can still remember the times
When life just wasn't right
All the times I just cried
And wanted to give up the fight

Then some people entered my life
And changed everything in it
And I will never forget the angels
That made all the puzzle pieces fit

I will never understand
How I let myself get so low
How I almost gave up on the world
And how I just wanted to go

Now I look at everything
With a whole new outlook
Not much brings me down
And I'm definitely not finished my lifes book

Thank you for helping me to smile
Even when life seemed at an end
For teaching me to take all chances
My life is on the mend

PS: to all those who've ever been there for me
when i'm down.
when i needed someone.
when i felt lost.
when i cried.
u people. were there for me.
to cheer me up in any ways.
to wipe my tears.
to give me lotza advises.
to keep me accompanied.
just not to make me feel lonely & think of all da negative things.
just to make me smile.
ALL of U. are not forgotten.
and will be remembered. in my heart.
loved. ^-^

-be a true friend-

2007-10-21T21:26:00.000+08:00

My heart blows up for a friend,
To share my every feelings with.
But my mind wants to be loved,
To cross every broder and limits......

Friendship is the union of hearts,
Friendship is the father of love.
Love is the suspection of all,
So friendship is better than love......

Blindness, madness and tears,
love walks with passive.
joy,faithful and trust,
friendship runs for succee.......

Be a true friend,
as incarnation of god.
friendship is better than love,
could it be acceptable by all?????
"WHAT YOUR HEART WANTS TO CALL??"

.i'll be waiting patiently.

2007-09-30T17:07:00.000+08:00

Lord, where is the one for me
The one, hand-picked, whose wife I'll be?
I'm yielded to Your will and way
I humbly seek Your face and pray.

Please protect him, Lord, I plead
Strengthen him and meet his needs
Comfort him if his heart should ache
Give him mercy...wisdom...grace.

I think of him, whoe'er he may be
So, reassure his heart for me
I want to be his everything
And I'll be waiting...patiently. my Mr Right.

-remember the ones who truly care-

2007-08-24T08:26:00.001+08:00

Minute by minute
THe time passes by
Remembering the history
Of that eight letter lie.

You were all I thought about
All that was on my mind
But to the rest of the world
I was completely blind.

You cancelled over half our dates
Because you had other obligations
And when I asked what was going on
You always changed the conversation.

I gave up
Everything for you
And as a result
My heart was torn in two.

When I loved someone
And they broke my heart
I wanted to give up on love
But I had faith to restart.

Never let one person
Get in the way of your friends
Remember those who truly care
The ones who are with you till the end.

-i am waiting for you...-

2007-08-12T15:56:00.000+08:00

How could i express
this feeling i wanted to stress?
why is it hard for me to do
why is it hard for me to let go?

i don't wanna tell you
because i dont need to
i'm afraid to do so
because it might not be true

time had passed
but the feeling was still there.
how come it was?
will this be forever here?

i wasn't able to know
this feeling i never did show
i hadn't realize this thing
that this was my hidden feeling....

i am missing you.
are u feeling the same as i do?
i am waiting for you.......
dun make me wait for too long..

-all i need-

2007-07-14T13:07:00.001+08:00

I wanna close my eyes
open them to find the perfect guy
a guy who is sensitive and sweet
who'll wipe my tears when i weep
i don't know
if he even exsists
all i know
is its him i miss
all i need
is sombody there
all i need
is for sombody to care
i need a guy
who will stand by my side
but that will never happen
cause i am scared of getting hurt
after all im me
after all i've been through
i need a guy who understands
that all i need is the perfect man!!!

.you aren't my Mr. Right.

2007-06-22T19:08:00.000+08:00

*if you wanna try to SAY how deep is ya love, shut up!
*if you dont really mean it when wooing ya love, back off!
*if you cant sacrifice for ya love, save ya saliva!
*if you say you love her but on the other hand, makes her cry, stop faking!
*if you cant give ya girl all ya love, and wanna share it with other girls, get lost!
*if you dare to confess ya love but cant accept da fact that ya rejected, fcuk off!
*if you are AFRAID of people knowing that you were rejected, den dont confess!
*if you confess and EXPECT [confidently] da answer to be a 'yes', wake up!
*if you are attached but at da same time fall for another girl, dont dream about being my guy. because you cheated on her, you will cheat on me too!

so............................. get outta ya dreamland. and be a gentleman!! u goon-du!

..-written by, Rain-..

=================================
Love is something wanted by many
But not truly understood by any

It makes some glad
And others it makes sad

It makes people blind
And act out of their mind

The only time we can truly comprehend love
Is when we pass on above
=================================

-best friends-

2007-06-03T12:37:00.000+08:00

Friends wait til you say somethings wrong
Best friends know somethings up by your tone.

A friend is there for you when they can be
A best friend is there wherever they may be.

A friend will sit there to listen when you cry
A best friend is beside you crying with you too.

A friend can look into your eyes and think everythings ok
A best friend looks into your eyes and knows somethings wrong even when you don't show it.

A friend will ignore you when you argue
A best friend will ring you that night to make up.

A friend will watch you walk out the door
A best friend will grab you by the arm and stop you.

A friend will smile at you but not mean it
A best friend will smile at you and have meaning in their heart.

A friend will sit by your hospital bed and pray that you're ok
A best friend will be in the bed beside you and pray that you're ok.

A friend is your friend because of something
A best friend doesn't need a reason to be your best friend.

A friend will tell you to stop putting yourself down
A best friend will be there to help me believe in yourself

My friends are the kind of friends that you can call crying
that you can run to when you need them
that will be there to give you a hug when you are sad
that will always love you no matter what
and i love them the way they love me! [do u love me? lol]

.where is my lost key?.

2007-05-05T01:27:00.000+08:00

Look,
How in search of a lost key
Like a bird,
I am flying into every street
Every corner of this city.

For that key,
I have fought the fate,
Facing all kind of anguish
Toward me.

Look,
But you don't know
You don't understand
What that key means
Because
You have never been in love
You cannot feel its beauty.

That key is
The key to the heart of
A person
Who locked her heart,
Because of
The pain of reality.

I am in search of that key
So I can
Takeaway the fear
From her heart.
I am in search of the key
That she lost
In a corner in this city.

.love or true love.

2007-04-16T00:52:00.001+08:00

Read and find out soon how you feel
If its true love or just love
it'll tell you exactly if its real

Love is often in the air
Yet True love owns your heart
Love always comes together
Yet True love never falls apart

Love ignores all the lies
Yet True love knows the truth
Love is the reason
Yet True love is the proof

Love keeps you warm at night
Yet True love keeps you awake
Love is real, what you see
Yet True love is never fake

.footprintz on your heart.

2007-04-05T07:35:00.000+08:00

Boys come and go,
yeah those so called friends leave,
but those friends that care,
that don't let you down,
that will listen to you,
give you advice,
well those are the friends worth,
going out of your way for,
helping them through the hard times,
never turning your back on,
they might just,
brighten your day,
make you laugh until you pee your pants,
& hug you when you need it the most,
yeah others will,
get jealous because we act retarded
and we know who we are and people still love us,
but those are the friends that become family
that leave footprints on your heart!

when i am gone...

2007-03-26T07:31:00.000+08:00

When i am gone,
please don't cry.
think of years,
that have gone by.
think of me,
at my best.
let my memory,
sleep and rest.
if you must,
let tears come.
but please remember,
i will be loved.
for i have gone,
to a better place.
with forever smiles,
upon my face.
you need not worry,
if i made it home.
the love you gave me,
will forever show.
there's nothing more,
for me to do.
but please remember,
i love you too.
even though,
i'm here no more.
i belong in heaven,
that's now my home.
with all the tears,
that you have cried.
i'll forever be,
by your side.
for i have not,
left you alone.
i'll always be watching,
you'll someday know.
you needn't cry anymore,
i'm but step away.
so, please, grieve no more,
i'll see you soon someday.

.never meant to be.

2007-03-20T22:49:00.000+08:00

You said you liked me,
you loved me,
you cared about me.
you said,
you'll do anything,
only for me.
u treated me as if,
i was someone,
very special to u,
u made me forget my fears.
It made feel,
Dat there is someone who cares.
it felt like,
u brought me into a,
completely diffferent world.
but den u said NEVER MEANT TO BE. .

heart breaking silently.
-Ryuu-

.please hold my hand.

2007-03-19T23:11:00.000+08:00

Could you hold my hand for just a little while?
This rickety breathing is beginning to slow down.
Please hold on tighter to this cold, frail hand
For surely there's not much time left for me now.

Spinning and shifting from this world to the next,
There's hardly even a moment to stop and look back.
Yes please hold on a while longer, for I'm a bit scared
As my existence begins to gradually fade to black.

Give me your shoulder,
for I need to cry
Give me a hug,
cuz I feel I must die
Tell me its ok,
that I'll be alright
Give me some confidence,
to make it through the night
Wipe away these tears,
from this cold,wet face
Tell me I can do this,
live in this lonely place
Hold me really tight,
don't leave me in this land
And when I break down tomorrow,
Please,Just hold my hand....

.dun tell me u love me.

2007-03-19T16:35:00.000+08:00

Don't tell me you love me if you are not sincere
For a lie that strong can ruin my life and bring on a new fear.
Fear to be loved, fear to love ever again
It can cause my fragile heart to break, tear and bend.
Think of all in life that will be missed
because of one small broken promise
So, when I put all of my trust deep within you
Please don't tell me you love me, unless you truly do.

im missing you......

2007-03-18T23:30:00.001+08:00

I miss you,
not just you,
but everything about you.

I miss the look you always gave me,
the way you held my hand,
how we are alike yet so different.

I miss just being with you,
just breathing next to you.

You are so great,
and so amazing,
being without you is almost painful.

Our time together is always so short,
and our time apart is like forever.

Even though we just started dating,
it feels like I have always known you,
even though I met you just a year and a half ago.

I miss you,
I love you,
I really want you,
now and forever.

-if only i could-

2007-03-17T02:34:00.000+08:00

I want to feel
His gentle hand.
I want to soar
Across this land.

I want to look
Into his eyes.
I want to see beyond
This world of lies.

I want to taste
Those words of love.
I want to see
The creation from God above.

If only I could.
If I got the chance
To once again
Come under love's trance.

~am i in love?~

2007-03-15T00:42:00.000+08:00

to da guy who holds my hand when i feel insecure.
_____
If i could gather courage to say everything i wanted to say,
i think we would be together night and day.

How do you do this to me
control my every thought
how did you convince me so quickly
To just hand over to you my heart
Why do i feel this way
Why are you so in my head
How do I stop thinking of you
As I lie sleepless in bed
Do you know how much I care for you
How many times I cried for you

Every time you passed me by
you didnt see the tears coming in my eyes
you're so blind
how long you will find
for the feelings i cant denied

every time you showed Little cared for me
i hope you know you make me happy
but every time you ignore me
i hope you will see that the pain you caused is hurting me

i want to forget you, but how?
i want to be with you, but how?
we are so far away.
how can you be there for me when i need you by my side?
i always wonder what you're doing.
perhaps you are having a great time with your good friends.
but you dont know how much i need your care over here.
you stole my heart away.
and now it seems i'm hurting coz you're not by my side.
it's all killing me. the pain i'm suffering through.

if i could tell you of this,
if i was brave enough,
but i am not,
i am not so tough...............
_____

i am going insane.
-Rain-

.i feel lonely somehow.

2007-03-07T07:21:00.000+08:00

I'm so sad, I'm so alone,
I'm in so much pain and no one knows,
I don't know what I should do.

Should I try to get help?
Would anyone even help me?
Does anybody even care about me?

I know I have friends,
But for some reason I feel so alone,
Like I don't have anyone to turn to.

I keep my feelings locked away,
I cannot tell anyone,
It's not like anyone would care about me anyway.

Cinderella's Life. like mine.

2007-02-10T01:25:00.000+08:00

My Life is Just Like Cinderella's:
All I'm missing is.......
the glass slippers,
Prince Charming,
Fairy Godmother,
& HAPPY ENDING.

[[ how to treat a woman ]]

2007-01-27T16:30:00.000+08:00

How to treat a woman is something,
That all men should know,
So listen up closely,
To all the words written below

How to treat a woman,
Is to make her know she's your only one,
Let her know you love seeing her face,
When you wake with the morning sun

How to treat a woman,
Is to bring her home some freshly picked flowers,
Let her know that you care for her,
Hold in your arms for hours

How to treat a woman,
Is to make her a romantic meal in candlelight,
Throw on some soft music,
And dance with her all night

How to treat a woman,
Is to always look into her eyes,
Make her know she is beautiful,
And that you want to be her guy

How to treat a woman,
Is to write her a nice love letter,
Don't ever let her get down on herself,
Always try to make her feel better

How to treat a woman,
Is to love her like this the rest of your life,
Make her know she's special,
And that she's the only woman you'd want as a wife

How to treat a woman,
Is to give them all your love,
If you still don't know what I mean,
Look at everything written above

.no one has eva tried to open up my heart.

2007-01-23T00:31:00.000+08:00

All she ever really wanted,
Was to break free from this world,
Show everyone the real her,
But she was just too scared.

Too scared of what people would think,
Too scared of what they would say,
So she just hid her true self away.

Hid the real her behind a mask,
No one could tell it was fake,
She was really good at pretending,
Always smiled when something was wrong.

Never told anyone what was going on,
Faked her way through every day,
Laughing and smile as if she was okay.

-what do you fear?-

2007-01-08T07:22:00.000+08:00

everyone fears something. you just have
to find the right thing.

I FEAR...

[x] the dark
[x] staying single forever
[ ] being a parent
[ ] giving birth
[ ] being myself in front of others
[ ] open spaces
[ ] closed spaces
[x] heights
[ ] black/normal cats/dogs
[ ] birds
[ ] fish
[ ] driving
[x] flying
[ ] flowers or other plants
[ ] being touched
[x] fire
[ ] dark water
[x] the ocean
[x] failure
[ ] success
[x] thunder/lightning
[x] frogs/toads
[ ] my boy/girlfriends/ (ex) boy/girlfriends dad
[ ] my boy/girlfriends/(ex) boy/girlfriends mom
[x] mice/rats
[x] jumping from high places
[ ] snow
[ ] rain
[ ] wind
[ ] cotton balls
[x] cemeteries
[ ] clowns
[ ] large crowds
[ ] crossing bridges
[x] death
[ ] Heaven
[x] being robbed
[ ] men
[ ] women
[x] having great responsibility
[ ] doctors, including dentists
[x] tornadoes
[x] hurricanes
[x] diseases
[x] snakes
[x] sharks
[x] shots
[ ] friday the 13th
[x] poverty
[x] ghosts
[ ] halloween
[ ] school
[ ] trains or railroads
[ ] odd numbers
[ ] even numbers
[x] being alone
[x] being blind
[x] being deaf
[ ] growing up
[x] monsters under my bed
[x] creepy noises in the night
[x] bee stings
[x] not accomplishing my dreams/goals
[ ]needles
[ ] blood
[x] someone you love or care about getting hurt
[x] someone you love or care about hurting you
[x] love
[x] facing reality

IF YOU GET MORE THAN 30 YOUR PARANOID.

IF YOU GET 11 TO 20 YOU ARE PRETTY NORMAL.

IF YOU GET 10 OR LESS YOU'RE FEARLESS.

PEOPLE WHO DON'T GET ANY ARE JERKS WHO
WANT PEOPLE TO THINK THEY ARE KINGSHIT/TOUGHSTUFF.

a new chapter. a new episode. my life.

2006-12-25T01:00:00.000+08:00

a new start of my happier life~!!